I Never Told You
by musicgirl97
Summary: Adopted Bunny, from Dr.Giggles: Jenny is feeling down after Cutter's death, his voice, his image, memories of him and dreams all plague her. With help from the Team, she tries to overcome the guilt she feels because of what she never told Cutter Probably a three-shot
1. Chapter 1

~I Never Told You~

_Disclaimer: I don't own Primeval, it belongs to someone else. Also I do not own the idea for this story. I adopted a bunny from and this is what came from their idea not mine, I merely developed and wrote it. _

_Relationships in this are strictly friendships…at this hard time, people are allowed to be closer than they normally would, well…you will see what I mean when you read it._

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Jenny's POV:

He lay there in front of me, a bullet wound in the dead centre of his chest and I had been able to do was cry. I cried because of the things that I never told Nick, the feelings that stirred deep in my heart as I had gotten to know him.

The day after he had died Lester gave me a call and told me to take the day off. At first I had opposed and said that I was fine. I told him that I was coming into work and that no-one could stop me. We had argued on the phone for a while until he threatened to fire me so that I could not come into work.

At that I finally gave in and said I would take the day off. He told me to grieve, and that the others were not going to be at work that day either. The backup team would be filling in. He told me I could take as much time off work as I wanted, at least until after the funeral.

Telling me that he had to call the others we ended our conversation and he hung up the phone. I walked into the kitchen needing to wipe my teary eyes, yet again and found that I had none, they had all be used last night. I had walked into the bathroom to grab something to wipe my face in and I saw my appearance in the mirror.

My long brown hair had been strung up into a pony tail. Now there was hair missing and it looked like I had not even brushed it when I put it up. My cheeks had vertical tear stains running from the corners of my eyes right down to my jaw bone and my eyes were red an puffy. I was wearing clothes that left a lot to be desired, not really caring about my appearance because the one person who I wanted to care was gone.

Two days after Nick had died things were not any better; I had not eaten much, just ordered a pizza and only left the house to buy tissues. At the time it seemed to me like it was all that I could manage. I had taken Lester's advice and not gone to work that day so Connor and Abby had come around to my place to check on me.

Shocked by what they saw they quickly set about helping me clean up my depressed house. I could see it in their eyes; too the similarity between mine and theirs was the red puffiness. They had both been crying too, not that Abby would ever admit that to anyone. They had both known Cutter the longest, with Lester and both looked up to him like a father.

When Connor left the room for a brief moment Abby had sat me down on the couch. 'Jenny, how are you feeling?' She had asked my, and all I had been able to do was cry. At that stage my emotions were so raw that I could not yet express them into words. She wrapped her arms around me and embraced me in a huge hug, letting me feel the warmth and sympathy of her heart. 'Jenny, we are all here for you, everyone. If you need to talk, no matter when it is then you just call me.' Abby said just after she released me.

I tried to smile, but it was ruined by more tears as Connor re-entered the room. They both stood up, and I waved at them as they walked out the door. I knew how they felt; someone that we had all loved had been taken away from us. It had left a hole in our hearts that could not easily be filled.

On the third day after Helen Cutter cut out half my heart is was Becker that came to see me. I knew that he too would be finding this hard and two people who lived alone like us needed some comfort.

'Becker, it wasn't your fault.' I had said to him, as he looked into my eyes. He was a strong man, he had not been crying, but his skin had paled and his eyes grew dark, like the sun had been taken away from the earth.

He nodded. 'Every time I look around, I feel reminded of how I failed him. I should have been there to protect him; I should have been there for him. Instead I was outside the burning ARC.' Becker said. As one of the newest members on the team, Captain Becker had known Cutter for the least amount of time, he had been right, it was his responsibility to take care of us all, and I just needed to remind him of that.

'Becker,' I had said, 'it's not your fault, no one blames you. This is all Helen's fault you must try and understand that. You had Connor, Abby, Sarah, Lester and all of the other staff to think of as well, Cutter knew what he was doing.'

'So what about you?' He had asked me. I couldn't talk about it much. I was having a hard time not crying in front of Becker while talking about this man as it was.

'It's hard, I feel like where ever I turn there is something to remind me of him.' I felt like that was all he could give, and Becker respected that. We continued to speak for what felt like hours. It was what we both needed, he needed my help as much as I needed his, I helped him with his feelings of failure and he helped me feel brave.

Four days after Cutter left me I decided I needed to go back to work. I had gotten dressed and made myself look presentable as I could in my current state and I had done everything I needed to do that morning so I got what I needed and I drove myself to where they ARC was now temporarily based. Lester had told me the new address for when I wanted to return because; the old ARC was being quickly repaired.

I pulled into the car park, parked my car and even got out. I had believed that maybe if I distracted myself by doing some work then I would be able to have some relief for a short time. I was about to open the door, when my hand had frozen, I stood motionless looking at the door, unable to move. He was there; he was looking me in the face. The temporary ARC, where I was now standing would hold many different ways of reminding me of Nick Cutter.

Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I turned around. It was Becker. He was in his black uniform again. 'I'm not going to lie, it's not easy, but it made me feel better.' He had told me. I nodded.

'If I am to continue working here then I need to do it.' I said as boldly as I could manage.

He had slipped his hand into mine and opened the door. 'You ready?' he asked, in a quiet voice. It took a while but after a moment I heard a Scottish accented voice in my head.

It whispered three little words to me before it disappeared. 'You are ready.' It had said; I knew it was Cutter, and it made it harder but easier for me at the same time. I gave Becker a nod and we both walked through the door frame.

I felt overwhelmed but I continued on. The first thing I would have to do is go and see Lester.

It took me a while to find him, after I said my goodbyes to Becker, but I finally found him, in a little office. I knocked on his door before entering. He had looked at my, with half a smile, something I had never seen before, but I had always known he was capable of.

I sat down on the other side if his desk and waited for him to speak. 'Miss Lewis, as you are already aware the ARC is undergoing some structural checks, before we are allowed to use it again. However things are going to be left as they are, for us to deal with when we are allowed to return. So until then we are going to keep our fingers crossed that no anomalies occur, none have currently so we are thanking our lucky stars. But for the time being, I am appointing you team leader.' Lester had spoken in a hushed tone to me, while I stared at him with a blank face.

When the words he had said finally sunk in, it all started to seem more real. 'How long until we are allowed to re-enter the ARC?' I asked, I had known it would be harder to go back to.

'In about a week.' He said, and I looked at him. I had roughly seven days to prepare myself.

I nodded and stood up. As I walked out the door I heard the words 'You can do it.' I had turned to see if it was Lester who spoke, but his head was already buried in paper work.

...

On the fifth day I woke up and looked at the roof. The past four days had been hard, draining and pretty dismal. I had not slept well and I had not enjoyed the lonely feeling which I felt constantly but I was not prepared for today, by a long shot.

For today was Nickolas Cutter's funeral, a service I hoped I would ever have to attend.

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_Please review…more will be updated when I can._


	2. Chapter 2

Jenny POV

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Dresses that were black, suits that had no colourful ties like they usually did and white tissues in hand, we all walked into the Church were we are holding Nick's funeral. I felt like the dark colours on the outside reflected the colour of how I felt on the inside, lost, lonely and guilty.

Everyone walked passed me and put their hand on my shoulder, as one by one they filled in to say their last goodbyes. Sarah and Becker stood with me by the door, as people who knew the man I had and still loved tried their best to look positive and put a smile on their face.

But the truth was Nick was gone and I no longer felt like I had something to smile about. As one by one the line got shorter, it finally came around to Becker's turn. I grabbed him by the hand and just about to leave my side. I stepped up onto me tippy toes and whispered into his ear 'Don't tell him your sorry, because it wasn't your fault, tell him that you will miss him and you hope he will one day forgive Helen for what she did to him and to us. Say anything just don't apologise.'

He looked into my eyes and stared right back into his. He leaned in and kissed my salty cheek 'Thanks Jen, I don't know where I would be without you.'

Then he walked into the room, and closed the door, ready to confront what he felt was his first failure. I admired him because I knew that I was going to have trouble but I had some unfinished business and I needed to talk to him.

Sarah and I stood there in silence for a few minutes and then she turned to speak to me. 'Jenny,' was all she said, it was like she was waiting for me to say something to her, like she was opening up my heart just enough for my feelings to spill out if I let them.

I looked at her and I honestly tried to maintain composure but it only took seconds for me to fall apart. My breathing became harsh and interrupted and my sight grew fuzzy, my nose was wet and so were my cheeks, I felt shivers down my spine.

Both of Sarah's hand flew to mine and rested my head on her shoulder and I cried, for a while until I felt a hand rub my back, but Sarah's hands were in mine, and no-one was around. It was someone else, but no one was there. I knew I needed to tell someone or it was going to drive me insane.

'Sarah, this is hard for me to say, but you know I loved Nick, goodness everyone did, it was so obvious. Well, I can't get him out of my systems. Every time I close my eyes, I see him there, I feel like he is walking beside me, I see his face everywhere I look, everything reminds me of him, I hear his voice in my head telling me to do things and I feel like I can't get away.' I said, rather quickly.

But Sarah, being the great friend that she was understood everything that I said to her. By now Becker had come out and it was Sarah's turn to go in. She left me with Becker and went in to bid farewell to Becker.

'It will go away Jenny, you know that.' Becker said, he was putting up a brave face but I knew he was finding this harder, than most of us. But we were both here for each other, both feeling that there was something that we had done wrong in terms of Nick.

I never told him how he felt, I never told him, I never asked him if he felt the same and now I feel plagued by guilt.

Becker feels like he let him down, although Nick would never show it, and he pretended like he did not get along with Becker I knew he did, and I knew he liked Becker. I knew Nick would not want Becker beating himself up like this.

'Becker will it ever go away? I feel like I can't escape.'

He looked at me and smiled, something had not seen in a few days now. 'Remember what you said to me before I went in?' Well in there I talked to Cutter about it, as stupid as that sounds. But it was good to get things off my chest. I'm not saying that it will be easy, just like re-entering the ARC. It will take some time, just like any other wound. But we are all here for, I am here for you. We can get through this.' Becker said, and I could hear the sincerity in his voice.

A voice from behind me said 'So will I.' I turned to see Sarah standing in the doorway behind me and I looked at her, and knew it was my turn.

As I walked towards the door I heard one final voice, but this one was inside my head. It was only a quiet voice, but had a noticeable Scottish accent, 'Jenny Lewis, come, I will be there for you too, no matter what separates us.'

I walked into the room, and almost broke down as I saw Nick lying in the coffin, properly dressed so that the bullet wound was no longer visible in his chest.

'Nick, what can I say to you? I made a mistake not trying with you. Remember when we tried to get a drink? Then when we tried to get dinner. Remember the happy times we had together, and the sad ones. Well, there was one time that should have been happy that never happened. But I want to tell you what it was? Are you listening? Well, of course you are. Well, this is a story about the time when I told you that I loved you, when I told you that no-one could ever replace you in my heart. When you left me so did a little piece of my heart, and you have it enclosed in your hand. Look after it for me Nick, because I love you and one day I am going to come and reclaim what is mine. Goodbye Nick, safe journey.' When I finished, I realised that I had made it through my little speech without crying. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out a red heart made of cardboard. It was nothing special but I picked up Nick's hand and placed the heart inside.

I smiled at him one last time and walked out the door. The voice that spoke to me before spoke again saying 'I do too.' I smiled, Becker was right it was not going to be easy, he might still be in my life, and I might find it difficult, but the memories that I have of Nick make it all worth it.

General

Jenny walked into the funeral with an open mind, after her talk with Professor Nick Cutter but she had no idea of the pain and grief that she would feel on the inside.

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_Had to switch just for the last line, I was not sure how to write that in first person so I changed it…if anyone wants to change that into first person in Jenny's POV then I will subs it in, but otherwise it will be like that forever more…_

_Speaking of more, more asap…thanks to the reviewers :D_


	3. Chapter 3

_Here is the final instalment thanks to Jenny, xNewWorld, TheSingingPterodactyl, Rubytronix and Sam. You guys have been awesome…this was just a little fic that I wanted to write, and thanks again to for allowing me to use the idea. After this little interlude I will be returning to Lester's Alphabet. Also I am part of a joint account called XilentMusic, we have published a story called Two Worlds Apart and I would love it if you would check it out, so you can find out who my partner in crime is…hmmm if you don't know, read and find out ;)_

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Jenny's POV:

Sniffles and silent cries filled the room as one by one those who had been asked to speak told their stories of Nickolas Cutter. I had thought that after my painful goodbye that this would have been made easier, but I was wrong.

I realised from what the people said about the kind, tender loving man that I barely knew him at all. There were so many things about him that I did know.

Family and Friends from outside the ARC had not been told the truth about how Nick had died. Lester and I had decided that explaining to Nick's parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunties and uncles that Nick's, dead come back alive insane wife Helen had killed her husband would probably be a bit too much for them to happen.

Instead they had been told it was a workplace accident and the bullet wound in his chest had been carefully covered.

But in spite of all that I was still having trouble not bursting out into a sob and crying on the floor. I sat in the middle of Becker and Sarah, both of them supporting me, and I was trying to do the same for them, Becker in particular but I felt like I was having trouble supporting them.

When the service was over it was when I felt a chill in the air. The voice that I knew belonged to Nick, the voice that had been speaking to me in my head every so often this past week spoke to me once more. It was longer than usual but it set my teeth on edge. It was like a whisper in my ear when it said 'I have forgiven her, so you must too. Remember this Jenny, and that I love you, for now I must leave you until we meet again.'

The first part caught me off guard. It was similar to something I had said to Becker in numerous occasions in these past few days, the second part just made me cry again. To hear him say he loved me was like a stab in the heart knowing that we would never be together.

I turned around to see the people walk out the door behind Nick when my eye caught a familiar face; a face that I thought was unwelcome here. A face that made the place grow cold and that made what Nick said make more sense.

'Hello Jenny,' her voice was quiet, but just loud enough for me to hear. 'I bet you did not expect to see me here.' The voice continued to speak as I looked into her eyes, attempting to maintain a steady approach. She was different to everyone else here; she was not wearing black like everyone else was, but the dismal khaki like she always wore.

'I must admit, I did not expect to see you here.' I said to Helen Cutter, the women who had killed the man whose funeral we were attending.

She just smiled at me, it was a sickly smile, but I tried to retain me composure as I remembered what Nick had said to me. 'I did love him you know.' She said, but I did not believe a word she said.

'If you loved him, then why did you murder him?' I asked, now feeling rather confused, but I knew my feelings towards both Helen and Nick were clouding my judgement.

'It was the only way, but I had to come to pay my respects to him. Also there are some people here who I have not seen in a while. Not Since my own funeral in fact.' Helen said, and shock filled me when I realised she had attended her own funeral.

We stood in silence until I heard Sarah's voice call my name. It turned around to look at her briefly and then turned back to where Helen Cutter was standing, but like always she had disappeared, off into space and time, no-one knowing when she would next be seen.

I followed Sarah out the door, and we went with the crowd to lay Professor Nick Cutter to rest.

Weeks went by and the all seemed to progress. Things got better for us all and we all started to feel better about what had happened, though no-one would ever really get over it.

I was plagued by images of Nick lying dead by the burning ARC and everything that was associated with his untimely death. My dreams had turned into nightmares and everywhere I looked something reminded me of him. But I soldiered on and in particular Becker and Sarah were there for me, they listened to me, Sarah had even taken a phone call from me in the middle of the night because of the nightmares I was having. She had rushed around to my house and held me in her arms while I cried like a little girl. She protected me from the nightmares I was having and we both fell asleep on the couch.

Becker, had been brave for me, but I knew he was hurting like me, he was experiencing the same things as I was but in a different way.

The worst day of all came along shortly after Sarah had come to my house in her pyjamas in the middle of the night.

It was the day that we were relocating back to the ARC where Cutter had died. Inside was hurting and on the outside I knew it was showing. Becker and I found each other, and just like last time I slipped my hand into his and we walked into the ARC together.

There was a massive task to clean up the ARC, Becker and I walked through the corridors and it was when we passed the Anomaly map that things really got out of control.

I saw the map, burnt and damaged something that Nick had put his heart and soul into. I saw it and broke down. My hand slipped out of Becker's and I slid to the floor in a small little pile. He rushed down to my side and wrapped his arms around me. Sarah and Connor came soon as he called for them, Abby and Lester no far behind them.

I was crying, all of it was just too much for me to bear. Becker, still holding me tight repositioned himself slightly so that he could whisper into my ear 'Jen, you were there for me, you got me through my nightmares, and I am going to get you through yours, and everyone here is going to help you to get through this. We are a team, he will always be with you, as part of your team.' Becker said.

I wiped my eyes and he released me. I looked around, at everyone and the all nodded, in agreement. 'We are in this together Jenny; we will get though this together just like every obstacle in our strange lives.

Sometime in Series 4:

I sat on my bed looking at the new ring on my finger. I wanted to say something to Nick. But I was having trouble thinking of something.

It took some time, but eventually I worked it out 'Nick, that piece of my heart that I gave you will be yours forever, I still love you, but I love Michael now too.'

I sat there for a while until I heard that voice in my head. 'Jenny, I have been watching you every day. Marry him, I am happy for you. I still love you; you hold my heart in your hand. I love you, I will always be around I you need me, but I don't think you will.'

I loved down and opened my hand to find a small piece of paper, similar to the one I had given Nick. 'I will always remember and love you Nick; I am glad that I told you.'

'And I you Jenny, but you need him, and nothing would make me happier than to see you happy. I love you; I regret that I never told you.' Nick said and then he disappeared leaving me with his heart.

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_I really liked the last part, I felt like I should add it in, what did you think? I really liked the way it turned out and I hope you did too, even though it made me want to cry ;) musicgirl97_


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